How to Support Someone with ACEs
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)—such as abuse, neglect, or growing up in a dysfunctional household—can cast a long shadow into adulthood. Supporting a loved one who carries this weight requires patience, empathy, and a shift away from judgement toward a trauma-informed perspective.
What Trauma-Informed Support Looks Like
When someone is navigating the impact of ACEs, their nervous system may be highly reactive. Your goal is not to “fix” their past but to provide a safe harbour in their present.
Learn what ACEs are
Understand what constitutes an ACE, how trauma affects the developing brain, and how to recognise someone who may be living with its effects. Knowledge is the foundation of empathy.
Shift your perspective
Instead of asking “What is wrong with you?” when they react strongly, try “What happened to you?” This small shift moves from blame to understanding.
Create a predictable, safe environment
Trauma often stems from unpredictability. Avoid sudden loud noises, maintain calm surroundings, keep your promises, and communicate clearly. Predictability is an act of care.
Practice active listening without judgement
When they choose to share, give your full attention. Do not interrupt, do not offer unsolicited advice, and do not compare their experience to anyone else’s. Simply validate their pain.
Do not take reactions personally
Anger outbursts or emotional withdrawal are often reflexes rooted in past experiences, not a reflection of you. Stay steady and avoid reacting defensively.
Check in regularly
People with ACEs may withdraw and feel profoundly lonely. A regular, low-pressure check-in—even a brief text message—communicates that they are not forgotten.
Offer positive affirmations
People with ACEs often carry deep shame. Acknowledge their courage and remind them of their strengths. “You are doing a wonderful job navigating this” can carry more weight than you realise.
Gently encourage professional support
Healing from deep-rooted trauma often requires a trauma-informed therapist. Suggest this without pressure, and offer to help them research or book an appointment if they feel overwhelmed by the task.
Be a positive influence on their health habits
Encourage healthy meals, regular sleep, exercise, and routine check-ups. Physical health and mental health are deeply connected—small lifestyle anchors help regulate a dysregulated nervous system.
Offer practical, specific help
When executive function is depleted by trauma, broad offers like “let me know if you need anything” are rarely acted on. Be specific: help with daily chores, accompany them to appointments, or assist with routine management.
Protecting Your Own Peace
Supporting someone through trauma can lead to secondary traumatic stress and caregiver burnout. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Set your own emotional limits, practice self-care consistently, and seek your own support or therapist when you need to. Your wellbeing matters too.
Related Resources
Introduction to ACEs
Understand what ACEs are, how they affect the brain, and how to prevent them.
Overcoming Childhood Trauma
A guide for the person experiencing ACEs themselves—reclaiming life and rebuilding safety.
Providing Support Handbook
A broader guide to supporting a loved one through any mental health crisis.